


Faith

by jedicallie (writergirlie)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-29
Updated: 2010-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-08 09:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writergirlie/pseuds/jedicallie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The things that require a leap of faith are often the things that are most worth striving for. Luke and Callista share a moment of faith during difficult times. Set during the time of <i>Darksaber</i>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faith

**Author's Note:**

> _Darksaber_ isn't exactly one of my favorite Star Wars novels (in fact, most of the time, I try to forget its existence). One of the most frustrating things about it for me is that Callista is so wildly out of character in it, and her motivations seem weak and not fully fleshed out. This was my attempt at trying to flesh out her motivations, what might have led her to come to a point where she felt that she had no other choice but to leave Luke. It still doesn't fully justify her actions, but I hope that it at least paints her in a sympathetic light, because it's a shame that the beautiful character that was introduced in _Children of the Jedi_ had to be taken in such a bad direction. Perhaps more would have appreciated her character had that not happened.
> 
> For Siobhan, who was a dedicated Callista fan to the end and never stopped seeing her potential. I hope this makes you proud.

_I knew all the time I was taking a chance_

_When I stand there at the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand_

_The wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I felt us lift off the ground_

_I bared my soul and I dared to go, knowing one day you might let me down_

_Better to have loved than never loved at all_

_Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall_

_Better to have held you and let you in than never to have touched your skin_

_Better to have hurt and screamed and cried_

_Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky_

_Better to have loved you…_

\-- “Better To Have Loved” (Idina Menzel)

 

They’d been at this for hours. Luke didn’t really know how long exactly, but he hadn’t been keeping track on purpose, afraid that doing so would just put added pressure on her. Pressure she didn’t need.

 

“Just… visualize it in your head. All you need is the image.”

 

“I know,” Callista said. Her eyes didn’t meet his; instead, they were fixed on the lightsaber before her, sitting on a table just a meter away from her outstretched hand.

 

Not even a quiver. Luke remembered back in the early days of his Force training—when Ben had left him and he was all on his own, trying to recall every word his mentor had told him, every instruction, no matter how minute—how even then, stretching out his hand to call out his lightsaber would produce a hopeful motion, a hint of a leap that would culminate in success at last in that cave on Hoth.

 

But there was none of that here. He could feel the hope dwindling within her.

 

Without a word, she pushed her chair back and stood from the table, turning her back to him and placing her hands on her hips, her head hung low. He knew she didn’t want him to see the brokenness in her face.

 

“Let’s try something else.”

 

“Let’s not.”

 

“You’ve got to keep working on it, Callista-”

 

“No,” she said, a hard edge to her voice. “I don’t.”

 

He swallowed hard. He’d never liked feeling helpless. In his mind, he could hear her words._ Sometimes, there is nothing you can do._

 

No. There had to be something.

 

“You’re so close…”

 

She turned to face him. “Close? Luke, who are we trying to fool here? I’m nowhere near close. I’m about as far from close as you can get.”

 

“What kind of talk is that-”

 

“Please, just… ” She held her hands up before letting them fall to her side again, then shook her head. “I need for you to just stop… please, just stop for a minute-”

 

“Not when it’s this important. Come on, why are you fighting me on this?”

 

He stepped forward to take her hand, but she jerked it away from his grasp. The motion cut into him like a hot blade.

 

“I’m not one of your students!”

 

“And I’m not Geith!”

 

The words came out before he had a chance to censor them, and he immediately regretted them when he saw the pain in her eyes, saw the way she stepped back from him as though physically wounded. When she broke the gaze, it was like a lifeline being severed.

 

“I… I know you’re not,” she said. She said nothing else for a long time, then finally, let out a heavy sigh, as though she’d been holding in the air in her lungs for an eternity. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

 

“No, I’m sorry.”

 

He’d never wished for anything more than to be able to take the words back. Or to undo their damage. Slowly, he approached her, scared she might turn away or refuse his touch. She did neither, but he still held back, sensing she’d need the space.

 

“I don’t mean to push you so hard or tell you what to do,” he said. “I know you’re not one of my students, it’s just…”

 

She looked up, as though waiting for him to finish his sentence. And he knew she deserved to hear the truth.

 

“I’m frustrated too. I look at you and I see a powerful Jedi who’s locked out of her powers and… it kills me that I can’t help you.”

 

Softly, she said, “It’s not your job to help me, Luke. I’m not your problem to solve.”

 

She was right. It hurt him to admit it, to accept it, but… she was right.

 

“I know.”

 

“I just… need you to love me. Can you do that?”

 

“You know I do.”

 

She smiled, like rays of a sun parting through a mist of clouds, and the ache in his heart began to ease.

 

“Can we try this again tomorrow? I think I just need a break.”

 

“Yeah, of course,” he said. He reached over to take her lightsaber from the table—he didn’t call it to his hand, knowing that doing so would only hurt her all the more—and stepped forward to offer it to her, almost as a gesture of peace. “I’m sorry if… if it feels like I’m trying to take charge.”

 

“You’re not,” she said, shaking her head. “I know you don’t mean to, anyway. I know you’re just trying to help and I love you for it, but…”

 

“But you need time.”

 

She nodded. It was then that Luke noticed that her lashes were wet, and he could see the effort in her body, the tension wound in her like a tight coil, to keep the tears from spilling. Instinctively, he brought his hand up to touch her face, fanning the corner of her eye with his thumb. She closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into his hand before leaning into him altogether, letting her body fall into the safety of his arms. He brought his hands up to cradle her head against his body.

 

“I’m sorry this is so hard on you, too.”

 

He kissed her temple. It was just like her to think of his pain, instead of her own.

 

“I’m not going to break,” he said. “And I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

 

He eased off her gently, bringing her face up to look at his.

 

“Tell me what you’re so afraid of.”

 

She started to shake her head. “I’m not-”

 

He cut her off with a knowing look. “I think… we’re past the point of lying to each other, don’t you?”

 

He wasn’t sure at first whether the words would make her angry. She said nothing in response, then drew breath and spoke again, her voice wistful and sad.

 

“The old masters… they didn’t allow any form of attachment,” she said. “Not to your family, your friends, your… lovers…” She broke the eye contact at the word, as though afraid of hurting him with it. Of reminding him that there had been another before he came along. “Attachment could harm your objectivity, make you too vulnerable to the dark side."

 

The words surprised him, though he wondered if there hadn’t been a part of him that had always known—always suspected when thinking about his own father and what could have possibly led him to abandon his mother.

 

“Yoda never told me,” he said softly, almost to himself, than to her. Then he looked up at her again. “But you didn’t believe it. You couldn’t have, if…”

 

“No,” she said. “Not then…”

 

“And now?”

 

Her eyes filled with tears again.

 

“Now I don’t know. I just… don’t know.”

 

“What’s changed?”

“You,” she said. “I didn’t know I could love someone this way. This much.”

 

He reached up to touch her cheek again, brushing away a stray lock that grazed her jaw.

 

“How can that be a bad thing?”

 

“Because, I’m… scared of being hurt again-”

 

“I would never hurt you,” he said. “Never.”

 

He would not do to her what Geith had done. He knew this in his bones. He would, he realized, rather die than let any harm come to her.

 

“And what if I hurt you?” she said.

 

“I’ll risk it.”

 

“I’m serious, Luke-”

 

“So am I.” He cupped her face. Her cheeks were wet underneath his thumbs. “Love is a leap of faith,” he said. “If it were a safe bet, it wouldn’t be nearly as extraordinary, would it?”

 

“No, I guess it wouldn’t,” she said.

 

“You’re worth the leap.”

 

She smiled, and his heart leapt against his ribcage. “So are you.”

 

For a brief moment, there was light, and hope in her eyes. For now, it was enough.

 

It had to be.


End file.
